I'm the God of Thunder, Bitches!

So when I said I needed a demolitions expert who did they send me? well Famous Flock Of Seagulls impersonator Roger "Michael" Score. I tell you not only can the man belt out one mean cover of I Ran (So far away) A cappella style but he can rig up a force charge quick enough to convince the local Hovitos tribal chieftain that I was indeed the God of Thunder!

We are not alone my friends....

Last night was very quiet in fact it was too quiet...

Nathan our Supernatural Bodyguard appeared to be restless and agitated most of the night. Early in the morning we found out why! In Dr. Weem's Sleeping bag, Nathan managed to capture the largest Silverfish I have ever laid my eyes on.

Fortaleza de la rana de aves Pt. II

Ah Hell!
Our last guide Saida has been taken by the madness and now only speaks through his Master on High (A Large mountain Toad he calls JoJo Bah).

Looks like we will stay one more night in Fortaleza de la rana de aves. I just hope we can contain any loud outbursts from Dr.Weems until first light and we can make our way to Caracas.

On a side note: Steven Seagals Agent called and said he's running a little behind due to being caught up on customs. Things could turn out for the better after all. Trust me Venezuelan Customs is no laughing matter.

Hot Potato! I'm still alive!

Well needless to say my Lawyer was not too pleased, From his "Wonk Wonk!" talk I could make out something about needing to be at work Monday but as I'm sure you can tell it's Monday night. Looks like we might lose some of our expeditionary funding due to this little schedule fiasco oh well.

Anyway...

He has agreed to transfer funds to my international account, this will make things allot easier when we get to Caracas and need to "Acquire" more Guides and Ammo.

Post note: Steven Seagal still not calling back....

Humarti Wha?

I guess the warnings should have been more apparent, but last night some of the local indigenous peoples did not take kindly to Dr. Weems late night ruckuses. Before we managed to retreat into the ruins they managed to kill or critically wound a majority of my domestic load bearers and guides.

Tomorrow if I can get a solid connection I will use my satellite phone to call my lawyer.

Fortaleza de la rana de aves Pt. I

For whatever reason I'm still unable to get that snake musk smell off my hands. We made camp near some ruins that the locals call Fortaleza de la rana de aves. Anyhow the water is fresh and there appears to be no fire ants. Dr Weems is up and walking on his own again I don't think I have seen anyone recover that fast before from a failed ritual of that nature before. Looks like we are back on schedule!

What gives Steven!

8:33pm Steven Seagal still will not return my calls. My plan calls for the aid of a legendary Karate expert and demolition specialist. Today is really turning out to be the worst day of my life.

One or two more days I hope...

Dr Weems is becoming more and more distant to me and the others, I fear they may and try to take him again tonight. With that being said I have hired a SuperNatural Bodyguard by the name of Nathan Bixby he comes highly recommended.
Although Nathan smells like cheap cologne and what I think might be fish I really feel I can trust this guy. Tomorrow we make our way out of this scrubland and to the outskirts of what the locals call Old Town Caracas.

MURHATTA!

Last night Dr. Weems was up again late into the night. His mad ramblings and chanting "BilAt KirZal ZaA-Kam KiAga-Du KasDu DaRaEs Mu Ga ImMiIn NinAnaSi-nna Ga SaGaAr ZaAKam Ne-SuUbDu NeEnMu Ga SaGaAr!"
I tell you that man is mad with fever! Must get some sleep if we are to continue our travels to the sacred temple of KiAga-Du. If this continues we can surely kiss our deposit goodbye. My only hope of the Ritual Del Lich is to leave Weems behind.

SUCCESS!

Today Dr. Weems and myself made a tremendous breakthrough towards the final preparations of what I like to call "Ritual del Lich" Or Ritual of the Lich. From today's findings I suspect that we need only a week or two tops before I fully become Undead!

I now know....

Why Tim will never eat at KFC...

Studious Robots Pt I

Studious Robots

The moon bathes in Heaven's abandonment.
Dang!
The ocean dances to well-deserved dew drops.
Might not Jesus ache for the sun's laughter?

The morning lingers in fermented sorrow,
And a wet cave calls forth reflective rapture.
Velvet Robots!
Help!

Robert Sak's The North Lord Great Barbarian Battle Master!

Legend has it a creature so vile so cruel it could only inhabit the heart of the darkest of swamps. It is also said that only a superior race of Lizard men could subdue this creature, Their Shamans would endure life threatening vision quests in order to master the powerful magic's needed to render these creatures harmless to mortal man. The prophets spoke of a Mighty Warlord one who was powerful enough to command these Lizard Men and pass on the SAVINGS TO YOU!!!!

Come on Down to Robert Sak's Subdued Mattress emporium and Bedding Corral, COME SEE ME!

WARNING: Valhalla Ahead!

For a moment I thought I was in Valhalla! Then I realized I was only in my local Hirons. But in the meantime I will always have my Bacon Bandages to ensure my wounds will properly heal as I wage my personal war on the Fire Giants and those Trixy Stinkin Elves.

Behold the great Wizard!

In a not so distant land lived a powerful wizard. This wizard spent his days surrounding himself with the most precious of bottles and cans. He would be called Bottles and Candalf the Grey!


Soon tales of his legendary exploits spread throughout the land. And so it seemed as soon as he was he was not and Bottles and Candalf disappeared into obscurity.

Tastes like real Lightning!

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt
Ingredients
100% Juice, Unique Herbs and a little dose of Steven Segals special sauce

The wonderfully unique ingredients of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt are what makes this energy drink so impressive. Each component was carefully chosen by Steven Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine into an all natural energy boost.
Our delicious flavors
Asian Experience and Cherry Charge, contain the key ingredients that make Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt so special:

* Pirates
* Ginkgo Biloba
* Ninjas
* Ginseng
* Lumber Jacks
* Yerba Mate
* B-Vitamins
* Green Tea
* 100% Real Cave Man Extract

Ancient knowledge reveled upon Mankind.

WARNING: Prepare for information overload!

It was said long ago by the great minds the 3rd century had to offer that a great warrior would come to the rescue of mankind in the time of its greatest need. It was also said that there would be a cost... and that cost would be a human number and that number would be $14,987.00!!!

From parts unknown a champion would rise above the squallier and misfortunes of mans once bustling civilizations to walk the earth, afraid of no man or beast. One who would defy the Laws of man and god in order to reveal upon you forbidden secrets of self defense!

Close Combat Training (CCT) was once used to kill nazis and elite Japanese soldiers during WW2, north Korean communists during the Korean War and to do the CIA's "dirty work" in Vietnam.

However, due to its violating hundreds of international "brutality" agreements, Washington politicians ordered the military to stop teaching it to their soldiers after Vietnam.

After 30 years and almost being forgotten altogether, Captain Chris brought this "lost" self defense system to his New York training school.

When word got out that someone in America was actually teaching CCT again, Captain Chris's small self defense business exploded with new students from every corner of the world including military soldiers from the Marines, Army Rangers, Navy SEALS, British SAS, DEA Agents, Inner city cops, professional bounty hunters and even trained Private Military Assassins.

To keep up with the demand, His name is Captain Chris or Lieutenant X as he's known on the harsh suburban streets.

WARNING: Do Not Read This If You Have Moral, Ethical Or Religious Reasons Against Hurting (Or Even Killing) Someone Who Violently Attacks You, Your Wife Or Your Kids!

Captain Chris was forced to charge these students as much as $14,987.00 per lesson to learn this devastating new fighting system.

And then, after the 9-11 terrorist attacks, Chris was approached by a new kind of student: Civilians.

Only problem was, outside of the private, "big money" security firms and mercenary outfits backed by governments and special interests, nobody else could afford Captain Chris's $14,987.00 fee.

To remedy this situation, Captain Chris created a special DVD set that walks people through the entire CCT system, step-by-step.

Captain Chris knows that with the explosion of criminal illegal alien gangs allowed to freely roam big cities like LA, Chicago and New York... international terrorists basically invited in by the liberal socialists in Washington... and far left wing politicians in Congress passing laws that empower dangerous criminals and castrate civilians... knowing how to hurt, cripple and even kill someone trying to attack your family is no longer a luxury-it's crucial.

Read the real life testimonials!!!

"Close Combat Training gives everything a nerdy computer programmer like me needs to get out of a sticky situation. Luckily nothing has actually happened to me yet, but I feel more confident walking around dodgy areas late at night knowing I have the ability to ‘take' anyone stupid enough to mess with me. You've taught me confidence and what to look for to keep myself and family safe. I feel that if something bad were to happen I would come out on top."

"I'm a 61-year old warrior... I find your personal opinion that you send out through email as interesting as your videos!"

"As a 'disabled person,' finding self defense techniques for me has always been a challenge... I've finally found something that truly fits my particular abilities."

Free Vitamins For Life!

I'm not talking about the cheap "watered down" crap at your local GNC, either.

These are literally the most expensive vitamins on the planet.

The company that makes them have labs in Thailand, India and other exotic places. And each day they send their scientists into the mountains and forests seeking out new and better herbs to use in their supplements. When they find something new, they do their own in-house testing, then send them to prestigious U.S. labs at Penn State and The University Of Texas for clinical trials.

Granting You Immunity From Over 5,670 Known Diseases!

Anyway, you cannot get these supplements in stores.

And you cannot even get them from the company that makes them unless you are one of their private customers (world-class body builders who can afford the outrageous prices).

But because I am good friends with the owner of the company... I get them at an extremely low price and have been granted a special "license" to give them to anyone I want (in this case, YOU.)

Baldwin Prime and the Lesser Baldwins

All Outer Planes are spatially infinite but are composed of features and locations of finite scope. Many of these planes are often split in to a collection of further infinite called layers, which are essentially sub-planes that represent one particular facet or theme of the plane.

None can compare to the sheer horror and terror that one will experience in the Bastion of Baldwin. Here among the damned and lost one will find:

Alec Baldwin: Baldwin Prime his Majesty of Horrific delight.

Steven Baldwin: Barney Rubble Baldwin Sergeant in Arms.

Lesser Baldwins and Cohorts: Minions and varies carrion.

"How art thou fallen from heaven, O Baldwin, son of the morning! [how] art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High" (Entertainment Tonight 14:12:-14).

In case you forget

Jonny Quest "Oh the memories"

Jonny Quest...Where to Start...

This cartoon was one of my favorite cartoons during my childhood. For those who might not have heard of this brilliant show I will attempt to break it down.

We have a family...

Jonny Quest is an eleven-year-old boy, the son of Dr. Benton Quest.

Dr. Benton C. Quest is Jonny's father and "one of the three top scientists in the world", with scientific and technical know-how spanning many fields.

Roger T. "Race" Bannon is a special agent / bodyguard / pilot from Intelligence One. Governmental fears that Jonny could "fall into the wrong hands" resulted in the assignment of Bannon to guard and tutor him. Race was born in Wilmette, Illinois, to John and Sarah Bannon. He is stated to be an expert in judo, having a third-degree black belt as well as the ability to defeat noted experts and even Sumo wrestlers.

Hadji is Dr. Quest's adopted son, an eleven-year-old Hindu Indian boy. He was orphaned and living on the streets when he was taken in by the Quests. Hadji is seldom seen without his bejeweled turban and Nehru jacket. Hadji comes from Calcutta, India, being an orphan by some unexplained event; he is shown to have many mystical talents, sometimes displays hypnotic or telekinetic powers using the incantation "Sim, sim, salabim", as well as other magic-tricks such as pick pocketing or vanishing; he is also highly skilled in judo, which he originally learned from an American Marine, and later received additional training from Race Bannon. Hadji is a "seventh son of a seventh son", which indicates a child-prodigy possessing unusual perception and intelligence.

Bandit is Jonny's pet bulldog, a small white dog with black masklike coloration around the eyes (hence the name "Bandit"). Bandit often provides comic relief but is occasionally instrumental in foiling the bad guys.

The harsh real world reality of this show was this kid (Jonny Quest) was a cold blooded killer. I don't care if you're the most hardened Nazi hiding out in a secret Dinosaur infested valley only accessible by hot air balloon or a leading Chinese Scientist about to put the finishing touches on your cloned Karate army, if you met this kid and his family you did not come back in the next episode NO! you were fucking killed in the most violent way possible (Examples: Komodo Dragon or Werewolves). In fact for me growing up I seem to remember every bad guy being done in by the end of the show. Only until the mid 70s did they start the whole non violent cartoon movement "Action for Children's Television" (ACT).

We remember you Jonny!