From Under the Couch

The Magistar of the Cultus Sabbati!!!

2011-05-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

Kenny Rogers true form takes some getting used to. A call from Nathan Bixby stirs suspicion in regards to our new guest. I have made arrangements for Nathan to join us, he will prove valuable in a situation such as this!

Vama-marga!

And he shall separate them one from another,

as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats.

And he shall set the sheep on his right,

but the goats on his left.

—Mathew 25: 32-33

Kenny Rogers is in the 5th Dimension!

2011-05-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Almost as soon as we had taken off I went up to check on Steven to make sure not only could he fly a plane but he indeed knew where we were headed.

During the course of our conversation Steven revealed to me that he was not Steven Seagal but a trans dimensional doppelganger! An ASSASSIN! He must be after Weems! Why did Nathan not detect this? So many questions!!!

Before either of us could react a familiar figure kicked in the door! KENNY ROGERS! A familiar nauseous feeling came over me rendering more useless than I already was. Time seemed to stand still but my mind raced-- my actions seemed to rubber band as I attempted to regain my foot hold but found myself exactly where I was just seconds before.

A cold sweat overtook me as I lost consciousness but as I awoke I was under the shade of an ancient oak tree with Dr. Weems and Kenny Rogers stood over me. Kenny then informed me that he had always been in the 5th dimension and not in the band Kenny Rogers and the 5th dimension BUT Kenny Rogers IN the 5th dimension!

No time for this -- we must gather supplies and regroup!

HOLY SMOKES! STEVE STOLE A PLANE!

2011-05-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

OK I think Steven Seagal is a bit over dressed for Ancient Eridu! It appears in the confusion of a anti terrorist drill Steven managed to "acquire" a small jet aircraft. OK mister BIG PRODUCTION I guess we are off and just in time.

RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

2011-05-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that Steven Seagal will be meeting us at the air port! With Weem's condition deteriorating we could be cutting this close. We have made preparations for two weeks I really hope its enough time to bind poor Weems to the prime material plane.

He's not all there man!

2010-11-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

Weems! For some reason no matter where Weems is in the house he appears to have one eye always fixed on a faraway location. With the help of Google maps the location was revealed to us, Ancient Eridu!

He must be trying to tell us something!

Weems no longer speaks to us in the words of Man but of beasts. Light whimpers or low growls mostly.

Tomorrow I must get the team together and make preparations to find this Eridu. I might have to call in my favor with the production staff at A&E to get in touch with Steven Seagal he will prove very valuable on this epic of journeys!

Our lady of seven sorrows, Mother of mourning, precious lich...

2010-11-07T14:21:00.001-08:00

With Urkku bound by winter's cold grasp we had little if no time to waste. Hot flashes of an aged fever strike me, trembling are the words uttered by the lips of mine "Our lady of seven sorrows, Mother of mourning, precious lich..." and before I could continue came a knock at the door. Light rapping and first but quickly escalating into a rushed pounding.

Door slowly opened cautiously awaiting what could lurk beyond the shadows of the open air.

"Weem is ALIVE!?"

Meat Visions From the Stars!

2010-07-03T00:16:00.000-07:00

Late at night feeling the calls of my quest burrito I awoke from meat visions from beyond the stars!

The words HUNGER stings my mind to this day! Could it be a message of spiritual salvation from a strange and alien god hell bent on the corruptions of my innards OR an attempt of possession by a cosmic and sinister force once again hell bent on the corruption of my innards?

Staggering...

Clutching...

In a sweaty near tantric motion I move to where I hear Weems dictating his memoires into a small radio shack Dictaphone or chanting the sacred rites of some bizarre ritual to Urkku?

Urkku? Where have I heard that before?

"Mugggath! Ur-Buloch, Arrrgghh Nofomathu!"

What madness have you caused us Weems! Are you mad with resurrection sickness?

With that Weem's calmed and recovered his monotone monolog. Tomorrow I must inform Bixby of this strange behavior and research this Urkku Weems speaks of.

Now I must exorcise this quest burrito before I too fall under this Urkku's spell.

30 gigs of Ram and a coffee filter!

2010-06-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

It took a great deal of time but Nathan and I managed to rescue Dr. Weems from the Astral plane.

Nathan is exhausted and I have ordered him to his quarters for some well deserved rest. Weems is not only once again among friends and safe but dispatches a mean cup of Joe!

Tomorrow I will start to design a device that should get the spirit of Weems into the host body we collected earlier today.

Dr. Weems speaks from beyond the grave!

2010-04-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

So this morning during breakfast Nathan and I got a strange message from Weem's via my breakfast cereal. It seems that Dr. Weems is indeed alive and well and being held captive in Peru by a band of shady software pirates.

Immediately Nathan and I made arrangements to head back to South America.

We must hurry if we are to rescue our compatriot!

Dr. Weems update!

2010-01-24T12:55:00.001-08:00

It appears that the remains of our beloved Dr. Weems have fallen into the hands of an Aboriginal Hill Tribe known as the Asmat.

According to missionaries operating in the area his urn washed ashore and with the local customs his "Husk" was regenerated and converted into a Bong of Biblical proportions.

We most likely will never see Poor Dr. Weems again.

Goodbye to an old friend

2010-01-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

With the help of three local Shamans we were able to lay Dr. Weems to rest today and have his ashes placed into what one might call fitting. As instructed we are going to send his remains to a contact in Calcutta where he is to be set adrift in the Ganges river AND if according to plan rise from the dead making this what we believe to be the 4th time.

I have scheduled a meeting for Monday morning with my Think Tank group (Jotka pyydän idiootteja) a high end and expensive super group from North Sweden.

We plan to go over my next move in my pursuit of the mastery of Super Science and sorcery!

Crack Head and the Blind man.

2009-12-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well he up and did it again and this time it's serious. While we enjoyed the warm weather and the exotic breakfast of Baked monkey loin in a nice pomegranate glaze Nathan managed to get some in his eyes causing temporary blindness. As his punishment I made him sit at the back of the boat and stay out of trouble until his eyes sight returns to normal.

As we move up river Doctor Weems has become more and more bizarre in his day to day activities. Mid afternoon I overheard him in a discussion with his shadow over how his shadow needed to lose weight if they were ever going to fit in the key hole to the office bathroom back home and once I saw him slap himself for staring at the sun.

Stranded but not helpless.

2009-12-02T20:01:00.000-08:00

It was sometime around 2am when the engine gave away. With the McGovern dead in the water and adrift it was up to our top notch mechanics Bobert and his twin Brother Bobert to get the engine back in line and back on course. Several hours later and excuse after excuse we made the discovery that the engine has somehow been thrown overboard in an attempt to hide the fact that these two "Mechanics" were not really mechanics but escaped convicts with cannibal tendencies. Needless to say Nathan was on top of the matter and with a quick display of his cat like prowess the two were dispatched and sent to the depths. I'm concerned about Ceidrec's choices of staff for his vessel we may be forced to abort and head home early.

AHOY!

2009-08-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

Early morning we found ourselves at the mouth of the mighty Yaracuy River and there as he promised was an old colleague of mine one Ceidrec Falco. Mr. Falco made his fortune early in life by selling thoroughbred horses but with that fortune came an insatiable thirst for whiskey. Now all he has left is his stories and of course his boat the McGovern. With Weems and the rest on board we will cautiously sail west until the mouth of Lake Maracaibo. Weems seems more withdrawn these days I hope that cocktail of laxatives stirs him up enough inside allowing that window of opportunity to perform the ritual before it's too late and this ordeal was for not.

Progress!

2009-07-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

Early in the morning we woke up to the screams of what I think was Ricky's cleaning lady. As far as I can tell Dr. Weems helped himself to Ricky's liquor cabinet and surprised the poor lady with nothing on but one of Nathan Bixby's gym socks. We left in the late afternoon after Sobering Dr Weems up. I hope to secure a boat on the shores of The Yaracuy River, from there we can meet my chartered boat in the Caribbean.

Ricky Don't loose my number!

2009-07-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

Our Guide Ricky really knows the town and is one party animal, He could prove to be a powerful ally. I'm not sure if that car was really his but he sure did know his way around that steering column with that bowie knife!

That was a mouth full!

2009-07-26T17:54:00.001-07:00

Well I up and did it, yup lost my watch in what I was told to be one of the villages oldest septic tanks. Before I could even start to mourn over it Nathan Bixby my manservant and Supernatural bodyguard jumped in and within what seemed like forever surfaced with my watch! I don't have the heart to tell him it really never worked that well to begin with.

GO TEAM!

2009-07-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

With radio communication almost nonexistent and my satellite phone tied up acting as Dr. Weems make shift pace maker. I thought I'd never be able to get in touch with my crack IT team and reset the password on my Ebay. More ammo and Cliff bars should be waiting for us at our next destination.

Nasty Feet!

2009-07-26T17:08:00.001-07:00

It is stated in the "Grand Codex of Decency and Considerations" that ALL open toe shoes save the shower sandal MUST be accompanied by socks.

I'm the God of Thunder, Bitches!

2009-06-27T16:55:00.001-07:00

So when I said I needed a demolitions expert who did they send me? well Famous Flock Of Seagulls impersonator Roger "Michael" Score. I tell you not only can the man belt out one mean cover of I Ran (So far away) A cappella style but he can rig up a force charge quick enough to convince the local Hovitos tribal chieftain that I was indeed the God of Thunder!

We are not alone my friends....

2009-06-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

Last night was very quiet in fact it was too quiet...

Nathan our Supernatural Bodyguard appeared to be restless and agitated most of the night. Early in the morning we found out why! In Dr. Weem's Sleeping bag, Nathan managed to capture the largest Silverfish I have ever laid my eyes on.

Fortaleza de la rana de aves Pt. II

2009-06-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

Ah Hell!
Our last guide Saida has been taken by the madness and now only speaks through his Master on High (A Large mountain Toad he calls JoJo Bah).

Looks like we will stay one more night in Fortaleza de la rana de aves. I just hope we can contain any loud outbursts from Dr.Weems until first light and we can make our way to Caracas.

On a side note: Steven Seagals Agent called and said he's running a little behind due to being caught up on customs. Things could turn out for the better after all. Trust me Venezuelan Customs is no laughing matter.

Hot Potato! I'm still alive!

2009-06-22T21:18:00.001-07:00

Well needless to say my Lawyer was not too pleased, From his "Wonk Wonk!" talk I could make out something about needing to be at work Monday but as I'm sure you can tell it's Monday night. Looks like we might lose some of our expeditionary funding due to this little schedule fiasco oh well.

Anyway...

He has agreed to transfer funds to my international account, this will make things allot easier when we get to Caracas and need to "Acquire" more Guides and Ammo.

Post note: Steven Seagal still not calling back....

Humarti Wha?

2009-06-22T20:46:00.001-07:00

I guess the warnings should have been more apparent, but last night some of the local indigenous peoples did not take kindly to Dr. Weems late night ruckuses. Before we managed to retreat into the ruins they managed to kill or critically wound a majority of my domestic load bearers and guides.

Tomorrow if I can get a solid connection I will use my satellite phone to call my lawyer.

Fortaleza de la rana de aves Pt. I

2009-06-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason I'm still unable to get that snake musk smell off my hands. We made camp near some ruins that the locals call Fortaleza de la rana de aves. Anyhow the water is fresh and there appears to be no fire ants. Dr Weems is up and walking on his own again I don't think I have seen anyone recover that fast before from a failed ritual of that nature before. Looks like we are back on schedule!

What gives Steven!

2009-06-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

8:33pm Steven Seagal still will not return my calls. My plan calls for the aid of a legendary Karate expert and demolition specialist. Today is really turning out to be the worst day of my life.

One or two more days I hope...

2009-06-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

Dr Weems is becoming more and more distant to me and the others, I fear they may and try to take him again tonight. With that being said I have hired a SuperNatural Bodyguard by the name of Nathan Bixby he comes highly recommended.
Although Nathan smells like cheap cologne and what I think might be fish I really feel I can trust this guy. Tomorrow we make our way out of this scrubland and to the outskirts of what the locals call Old Town Caracas.

MURHATTA!

2009-06-22T20:01:00.001-07:00

Last night Dr. Weems was up again late into the night. His mad ramblings and chanting "BilAt KirZal ZaA-Kam KiAga-Du KasDu DaRaEs Mu Ga ImMiIn NinAnaSi-nna Ga SaGaAr ZaAKam Ne-SuUbDu NeEnMu Ga SaGaAr!"
I tell you that man is mad with fever! Must get some sleep if we are to continue our travels to the sacred temple of KiAga-Du. If this continues we can surely kiss our deposit goodbye. My only hope of the Ritual Del Lich is to leave Weems behind.

SUCCESS!

2009-06-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today Dr. Weems and myself made a tremendous breakthrough towards the final preparations of what I like to call "Ritual del Lich" Or Ritual of the Lich. From today's findings I suspect that we need only a week or two tops before I fully become Undead!

I now know....

2009-06-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Why Tim will never eat at KFC...

Studious Robots Pt I

2009-06-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Studious Robots

The moon bathes in Heaven's abandonment.
Dang!
The ocean dances to well-deserved dew drops.
Might not Jesus ache for the sun's laughter?

The morning lingers in fermented sorrow,
And a wet cave calls forth reflective rapture.
Velvet Robots!
Help!

Robert Sak's The North Lord Great Barbarian Battle Master!

2009-06-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Legend has it a creature so vile so cruel it could only inhabit the heart of the darkest of swamps. It is also said that only a superior race of Lizard men could subdue this creature, Their Shamans would endure life threatening vision quests in order to master the powerful magic's needed to render these creatures harmless to mortal man. The prophets spoke of a Mighty Warlord one who was powerful enough to command these Lizard Men and pass on the SAVINGS TO YOU!!!!

Come on Down to Robert Sak's Subdued Mattress emporium and Bedding Corral, COME SEE ME!

WARNING: Valhalla Ahead!

2009-06-18T19:34:00.001-07:00

For a moment I thought I was in Valhalla! Then I realized I was only in my local Hirons. But in the meantime I will always have my Bacon Bandages to ensure my wounds will properly heal as I wage my personal war on the Fire Giants and those Trixy Stinkin Elves.

Behold the great Wizard!

2009-06-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

In a not so distant land lived a powerful wizard. This wizard spent his days surrounding himself with the most precious of bottles and cans. He would be called Bottles and Candalf the Grey!

Soon tales of his legendary exploits spread throughout the land. And so it seemed as soon as he was he was not and Bottles and Candalf disappeared into obscurity.

Tastes like real Lightning!

2009-06-13T16:54:00.001-07:00

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt
Ingredients
100% Juice, Unique Herbs and a little dose of Steven Segals special sauce

The wonderfully unique ingredients of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt are what makes this energy drink so impressive. Each component was carefully chosen by Steven Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine into an all natural energy boost.
Our delicious flavors
Asian Experience and Cherry Charge, contain the key ingredients that make Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt so special:

* Pirates
* Ginkgo Biloba
* Ninjas
* Ginseng
* Lumber Jacks
* Yerba Mate
* B-Vitamins
* Green Tea
* 100% Real Cave Man Extract

Ancient knowledge reveled upon Mankind.

2009-06-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Prepare for information overload!

It was said long ago by the great minds the 3rd century had to offer that a great warrior would come to the rescue of mankind in the time of its greatest need. It was also said that there would be a cost... and that cost would be a human number and that number would be $14,987.00!!!

From parts unknown a champion would rise above the squallier and misfortunes of mans once bustling civilizations to walk the earth, afraid of no man or beast. One who would defy the Laws of man and god in order to reveal upon you forbidden secrets of self defense!

Close Combat Training (CCT) was once used to kill nazis and elite Japanese soldiers during WW2, north Korean communists during the Korean War and to do the CIA's "dirty work" in Vietnam.

However, due to its violating hundreds of international "brutality" agreements, Washington politicians ordered the military to stop teaching it to their soldiers after Vietnam.

After 30 years and almost being forgotten altogether, Captain Chris brought this "lost" self defense system to his New York training school.

When word got out that someone in America was actually teaching CCT again, Captain Chris's small self defense business exploded with new students from every corner of the world including military soldiers from the Marines, Army Rangers, Navy SEALS, British SAS, DEA Agents, Inner city cops, professional bounty hunters and even trained Private Military Assassins.

To keep up with the demand, His name is Captain Chris or Lieutenant X as he's known on the harsh suburban streets.

WARNING: Do Not Read This If You Have Moral, Ethical Or Religious Reasons Against Hurting (Or Even Killing) Someone Who Violently Attacks You, Your Wife Or Your Kids!

Captain Chris was forced to charge these students as much as $14,987.00 per lesson to learn this devastating new fighting system.

And then, after the 9-11 terrorist attacks, Chris was approached by a new kind of student: Civilians.

Only problem was, outside of the private, "big money" security firms and mercenary outfits backed by governments and special interests, nobody else could afford Captain Chris's $14,987.00 fee.

To remedy this situation, Captain Chris created a special DVD set that walks people through the entire CCT system, step-by-step.

Captain Chris knows that with the explosion of criminal illegal alien gangs allowed to freely roam big cities like LA, Chicago and New York... international terrorists basically invited in by the liberal socialists in Washington... and far left wing politicians in Congress passing laws that empower dangerous criminals and castrate civilians... knowing how to hurt, cripple and even kill someone trying to attack your family is no longer a luxury-it's crucial.

Read the real life testimonials!!!

"Close Combat Training gives everything a nerdy computer programmer like me needs to get out of a sticky situation. Luckily nothing has actually happened to me yet, but I feel more confident walking around dodgy areas late at night knowing I have the ability to ‘take' anyone stupid enough to mess with me. You've taught me confidence and what to look for to keep myself and family safe. I feel that if something bad were to happen I would come out on top."

"I'm a 61-year old warrior... I find your personal opinion that you send out through email as interesting as your videos!"

"As a 'disabled person,' finding self defense techniques for me has always been a challenge... I've finally found something that truly fits my particular abilities."

Free Vitamins For Life!

I'm not talking about the cheap "watered down" crap at your local GNC, either.

These are literally the most expensive vitamins on the planet.

The company that makes them have labs in Thailand, India and other exotic places. And each day they send their scientists into the mountains and forests seeking out new and better herbs to use in their supplements. When they find something new, they do their own in-house testing, then send them to prestigious U.S. labs at Penn State and The University Of Texas for clinical trials.

Granting You Immunity From Over 5,670 Known Diseases!

Anyway, you cannot get these supplements in stores.

And you cannot even get them from the company that makes them unless you are one of their private customers (world-class body builders who can afford the outrageous prices).

But because I am good friends with the owner of the company... I get them at an extremely low price and have been granted a special "license" to give them to anyone I want (in this case, YOU.)

Baldwin Prime and the Lesser Baldwins

2009-06-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

All Outer Planes are spatially infinite but are composed of features and locations of finite scope. Many of these planes are often split in to a collection of further infinites called layers, which are essentially sub-planes that represent one particular facet or theme of the plane.

None can compare to the sheer horror and terror that one will experience in the Bastion of Baldwin. Here among the damned and lost one will find:

Alec Baldwin: Baldwin Prime his Majesty of Horrific delight.

Steven Baldwin: Barney Rubble Baldwin Sergeant in Arms.

Lesser Baldwins and Cohorts: Minions and varies carrion.

"How art thou fallen from heaven, O Baldwin, son of the morning! [how] art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High" (Entertainment Tonight 14:12:-14).

In case you forget

2009-06-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

Jonny Quest "Oh the memories"

2009-06-12T22:56:00.001-07:00

Jonny Quest...Where to Start...

This cartoon was one of my favorite cartoons during my childhood. For those who might not have heard of this brilliant show I will attempt to break it down.

We have a family...

Jonny Quest is an eleven-year-old boy, the son of Dr. Benton Quest.

Dr. Benton C. Quest is Jonny's father and "one of the three top scientists in the world", with scientific and technical know-how spanning many fields.

Roger T. "Race" Bannon is a special agent / bodyguard / pilot from Intelligence One. Governmental fears that Jonny could "fall into the wrong hands" resulted in the assignment of Bannon to guard and tutor him. Race was born in Wilmette, Illinois, to John and Sarah Bannon. He is stated to be an expert in judo, having a third-degree black belt as well as the ability to defeat noted experts and even Sumo wrestlers.

Hadji is Dr. Quest's adopted son, an eleven-year-old Hindu Indian boy. He was orphaned and living on the streets when he was taken in by the Quests. Hadji is seldom seen without his bejeweled turban and Nehru jacket. Hadji comes from Calcutta, India, being an orphan by some unexplained event; he is shown to have many mystical talents, sometimes displays hypnotic or telekinetic powers using the incantation "Sim, sim, salabim", as well as other magic-tricks such as pick pocketing or vanishing; he is also highly skilled in judo, which he originally learned from an American Marine, and later received additional training from Race Bannon. Hadji is a "seventh son of a seventh son", which indicates a child-prodigy possessing unusual perception and intelligence.

Bandit is Jonny's pet bulldog, a small white dog with black masklike coloration around the eyes (hence the name "Bandit"). Bandit often provides comic relief but is occasionally instrumental in foiling the bad guys.

The harsh real world reality of this show was this kid (Jonny Quest) was a cold blooded killer. I don't care if you're the most hardened Nazi hiding out in a secret Dinosaur infested valley only accessible by hot air balloon or a leading Chinese Scientist about to put the finishing touches on your cloned Karate army, if you met this kid and his family you did not come back in the next episode NO! you were fucking killed in the most violent way possible (Examples: Komodo Dragon or Werewolves). In fact for me growing up I seem to remember every bad guy being done in by the end of the show. Only until the mid 70s did they start the whole non violent cartoon movement "Action for Children's Television" (ACT).

We remember you Jonny!